Umm... Yeah, hi.
"Truth be told", I don't know what to put here for right now. I just needed some change.
I don’t want a relationship. Truthfully, they all turn out to be relationshits in my mind. Someone becomes obsessed and the other just turns their head, and no matter which side I’m on, I always feel as though I’m on the losing side, the side that’s going to be hurting someone or even myself. I don’t want a relationship because I’m happy being single and worrying only about me, myself, and I. I like being able to do whatever the fuck I want. Hang out with anyone, no obligations, no guilty feelings. I’m happy being motherfucking single.
But I like kissing, and sex, and hugs, and just spending time with someone. But truthfully, I just get the first three from the people I “see” and the last two from close friends. So I’m pretty set in life right now.
But now I want sex….
and kissing…. XD
For some reason, it’s now hitting me that I don’t really have a friend that I talk to a lot about things that are going on from day to day experiences, apart from my boyfriend obviously. After this whole fiasco of a trip, I apparently don’t know how to pick my friends. It honestly looks like I’ve picked a lot of people who really shouldn’t have been in my life in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a couple people who I hold very dear to my heart who are my very closest friends who will be there to help me through when I’m in deep shit, only a couple but it’s a good couple few. The problem is that I’m always so distant with them. I am constantly trying to be closer with these people, whether it is hanging out with them when we both have the time, or just going to see them when I get the chance. The thing that is kind of, I guess, upsetting me right now is that I really don’t pick the best people to be around and I really don’t have a ton of friends who I believe would fight for me. I know I’m not the most popular one on the block, hell I’ve never been but I really don’t let it weigh me down.
I don’t know. I just want someone to talk to on an every day/every other day kind of basis, someone besides my boyfriend who I’m telling my day to and I don’t feel like I’m wasting their time.
I’m not afraid to be honest or to tell the truth. Unless it’s a certain thing that people need to figure out themselves.
Nothing else to do this early anyway.
So let’s go to bed and see if this emptiness in my head will go away as the bleeding from my heart overflows and kills the nightmares from my dreams and reality.
In two different places, how ever you want to put it. My heart is screaming at blood curdling levels and my mind is behind a sound proof wall listening to the sound of its own voice. I’m sitting here and the two are going back and forth with each other and I feel as though this problem will never be solved. I feel scared yet like a bitch. I’m worried yet confident about things. I’m really freaking out.
feeling a little bit lonely over here on the couch with my pokemon and Doctor Who..
There are honestly times where I wish someone would steal this damn notebook and see what is going through my head.
But at the same time, I don’t want anyone to see.
I think I’m going to start up another blog again. One that people can follow, but that is completely anonymous.
I just need a place to write, to get everything out, without worrying about what people might think of it, especially those who are actually in my life.
There are just those things that I feel as though I need to get them off my chest.
Someone kick me, punch me, beat me, bite me, abuse me, ignore me, do something to me to get me out of this mood.
I don’t want to be sad anymore..
A time when you felt most satisfied in your life.
I think this would have to be when I graduated high school or my first day of college. These two things were huge in my life because, as you all should know, being in a private Catholic school for me was no fun. I felt as though I had fully accomplished something huge in my life. In those moments, I was so proud of myself that I had gone through so much drama and pain of being the loner throughout my high school years. That even as an outcast of my class, I could make it and still be able to smile when I reached it to the other side. I was starting something new. Something that I had never experienced before and I was ready, more ready than I have ever been in my entire life.